Shift Away from Judgment & Turn Toward Curiosity

How do we break the cycle of judgment? Curiosity.

If you're a high achiever, you haven't gotten to where you are in life without having strong judgment skills, especially if there has been a history of trauma or chronic stress. Humans are biologically wired for survival. When the survival brain is hard at work judging comes naturally, so shifting out of judgment takes focus and intention. It takes self-awareness, a regulated nervous system, curious observation, and self-compassion to shift into Non-Judgmental Curiosity.

Before we break down the steps in how to do this, I feel as though it is important to take a moment to address that self-awareness, for many, may be extremely useful for identifying shortcomings but not always self-worth. So be gentle with yourself. If this doesn't come easy, you're not doing anything wrong—you're human, and you've been through a lot. If you feel yourself slipping into self-judgment and/or shame, you are safe to stop the practice and tend to whatever you need in that moment.

With that said, what role does self-awareness play in non-judgmental curiosity? It is what gives you the ability to notice the thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that come up for you during the practice. With self-awareness, you are able to recognize when your on edge, or not feeling grounded, and understand what is happening inside your nervous system. It also plays a pivotal role in identifying what it is you need in the moment to re-ground yourself so you can shift your attention onto the situation and know that you are safe to become curious about it.

The nervous system operates for your survival and the part of your brain that has been through the ringer is in the driver's seat, automatically. So when a situation presents itself, if we are aware of the change in our nervous system—feeling on edge, on guard, anxious, or frozen—we are able to consciously take the wheel and steer toward curiosity and away from judgment. So, here's an example:

Situation: You're having dinner at a high end, popular restaurant and when you scan the room, you see someone looking at you at a table by the window, and they start to laugh.

Past Trauma/Chronic Stress: You have been told by family, friends, teachers, and other authority figures that you won't amount to anything, from a young age. When you talked about your dreams of one day being successful in a career that you love, people laughed at you. You decided early on that you would prove everyone wrong and be the hardest working person in every room. You have hustled, stayed late, were the first one to start working and last one to go home at night, and you've battled with controlling bosses who doubted your ability every step of the way.

Current Reality: You're a top performer in your field, love what you do and are able to easily afford a night out at one of the most expensive restaurants in town. For all intents and purposes, you have proven the naysayers of your past wrong. You have removed those negative people from your life, and are now surrounded by people who support and believe in you.

Now... just reading this, it may seem obvious how you'd view the situation. It's not always that simple, though, when your survival brain is at the wheel. So, let's break this down a little further and outline when judgment takes place and how to turn toward curiosity.

Nervous System Response: Your muscles tense in your shoulders, your breathing becomes shallow, your jaw stiffens, and your palms start to get sweaty.

Emotional Reaction: You start to feel angry and feel like yelling, "What are you laughing at?" At the same time, you want to stand up and leave the restaurant as quickly as possible.

What just happened?! The survival part of our brains file away painful scenarios so we know what to do if we ever face them again. This is where your survival brain is making a judgment call. It is surveying the information and comparing it to its file folder full of past experiences, and immediately steers you toward fight or flight. When we are aware of this happening, by identifying the nervous system and emotional responses we get to choose to observe the situation with curiosity.

The outcome is a response, vs a reaction. So, if in the scenario we laid out, if you were to yell or storm out it would be a reaction based on your survival brain's judgment that the situation is exactly what has happened in the past and the only way to deal with it is to fight or run away. A response is only possible with curiosity. So, let's break down what that might look like.

Curious Observation: You consciously acknowledge the physical response and mentally take a step back to observe the emotional reaction. You may even say, in your head, "It's interesting that I am feeling this way."

Nervous System Regulation: You regulate in the way that you have found to be best for you. It happens to be grounding, so you shift your attention to where you are sitting. You focus on the contact points to the chair and the ground. You focus on the felt sense of support beneath you and wiggle your toes in your shoes to remind your survival brain that you are at choice and are in a physically safe environment.

Self-Compassion: You take a moment to recognize that you are surrounded by people who support you, though you've been through a lot to get to where you are today, you have nothing to prove in this moment. You remind yourself that your initial reaction is human and part of how your survival brain keeps you safe, so there is no shame in how you initially felt.

Non-Judgmental Curiosity: You look back at the table where the person was looking at you and laughing and state to yourself, "I wonder what made that person laugh." Since the judgment is no longer that the person must be laughing at you, you turn around to see someone behind you making funny faces and cooing sounds at their baby in a high chair. The baby giggles and throws their hands up in the air. You find yourself smiling as you observe the interaction.

During the practice outlined, your survival brain made a new judgment call—you're safe and the laughter had nothing to do with you—and filed this experience away as a possible result for similar situations in the future. That's a new neural pathway that leads your thoughts to shift away from judgment & turn toward curiosity. In time, this may also become automatic.

When the survival brain perceives danger based on our past experiences, we can't think our way out of reacting without the self-awareness, and first shift into curiosity, about the initial nervous system response and emotional reaction. Often times, that is the most difficult part because the very same trauma and/or chronic stress that triggers them also cuts us off from the awareness of what is happening in our bodies as a survival technique. So it is important to work with a professional who can help teach you tools, and guide you through the practice, and support you as you make it your own, until you feel comfortable doing it for yourself.

Remember, there is no single way to do anything, so as you start to understand the tools that are available, you are always at choice as to when you use them, if you use them, and how you make them your own. I also intentionally used the word "practice" instead of "process" because, as with most things in life this takes practice to know how to use it as a tool in your everyday life. So be kind with yourself. If you're used to hammering through practice to get to the other side faster, intentionally slow down, work on showing yourself compassion when it doesn't come right away, and shift your curiosity to the practice itself.

If you'd like to start practicing this, a trauma-informed therapist can help dig into the trauma specifically, and a trauma-informed coach can help practice steps like this so you can move forward and start to see your reactions shift into responses in real time.

If you'd like to work with a trauma-informed coach, I'm here for you. Book your free—no obligation—consultation, and see see if my approach to coaching is the right support for you.