Judgment: The Inside Connection

In the previous article, Judgment: The Nature of Human Nature, we explored why judgment is so automatic and why not judging others and situations takes such a conscious effort. In this article, we will explore the inside connection to self-judgment and how that projects out into the world. Remember, this is about understanding judgment as a human default, rather than shaming us for judging ourselves and others. So be kind to yourself and know you are loved for exactly who you are.

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

Let's set the stage with a common, scenario. Imagine for a moment, that you walk into a room full of people you have never met. You chose to wear an outfit that you know someone in your life would have never "let" you wear outside of the house. But you like it, and you were determined to take it out on the town. Suddenly, you see people looking at you. You start to wonder what they are looking at, exactly. Then, before you know it, you are convinced that they are judging you for wearing that outfit. You start to think to yourself, "I should have never worn this outfit. I look terrible. It is silly." Or whatever other reasons you've heard before. So, since your brain is wired to use judgment as a survival mechanism, you start to pick out people in the room whose outfits are "worse" than yours and which people have similar styles. You start talking to the people with similar styles because you unconsciously feel safe around them. You then start to talk about those with "worse" outfits. You start to judge and shame them by saying they really "shouldn't" be wearing what they are wearing.

That is a pretty basic example of how self-judgement turns into external judgement really quickly. Remember, we judge to make sure we can survive in certain social and cultural situations just like we would in highly dangerous situations. So, when we feel judged, we assume they are judging us in the same way we judge ourselves. This is based on our own beliefs about what "should" happen and how people "should" act as well as our own experiences of being judged in the past.

So, there is a deep connection between how much we judge others, how much we judge ourselves, and how much we feel like others are judging us. The more we judge ourselves, the more we then judge others. If we are constantly judging ourselves, we assume others are judging us too.

Think about your own life. Think about the last time you felt like you were being judged for something without actually hearing someone say something to you. Was the thing you were sure they were judging you about something you have judged yourself for, or have been judged for by someone else, in the past?

Think about the last time you judged someone else for how they wore their hair, their choice of food, how they dressed, or anything else. Were you judging them based on your beliefs of how things "should" be? Were those beliefs formed because someone once judged you for doing the very same thing? Or were those beliefs about others formed because you judge and shame yourself for doing the same thing?

Some examples of language used when you are judging someone based on your beliefs and self-judgement would be phrases like, "I would never..." "Can you believe they would...?" "I'm not trying to be mean but..." "I'm not being racist but..." After reading these examples, can you think of a few more that you might have heard people say?

All this is to illustrate that breaking the loop of judgment and actually feeling free of judgment from others and yourself all start with you.

Stop judging yourself and find the path to stop judging others.

So often we think we need to shame ourselves into changing our behaviors. The truth is, we actually need to love ourselves more. Think about it. The reason why we judge often comes from shame we felt from being judged ourselves. So why would self-shame work now?

Though radical acceptance is a beautiful thing, let's face it... most people don't fully get there right away. We're not looking for perfection and full acceptance of ourselves and others overnight. The type of self love we're talking about is the acknowledgment that we are human and when judgmental thoughts come up, we look inward to ask ourselves where the thoughts are coming from. Do we actually feel uncomfortable with the outfit we chose, that is why we're judging someone else's outfit? Then—here's the key—if that is true, then let's take some time to remind ourselves that we are safe; and hold that wounded part of us that needs to know that it's okay that we made our choice and it's okay to be uncomfortable.

Once we have come to this place, we get to choose how are we going to help ourselves feel more comfortable, rather than judging others in order to shift the shame and get some temporarily relief. That is self-love. That is self-nurturing. That is self-care. That is healing. That is the path to stop judging others.

In the next article we will talk about shifting judgment into curiosity. Curiosity is a very powerful tool for reducing both the internal and external judgment we experience on a daily basis. Until then, love yourself. Know that you are loved for exactly who you are. You are human and you are on a journey of growth and learning that can feel difficult at times, but you're exactly where you need to be.