“Just Be Yourself” | Why Authenticity Is Not That Simple After Trauma

There is an age old assertion that humans are pack animals. Researchers have observed animals in the wild and been able to draw comparisons to how humans interact with each other for centuries. But, just as with most things led by humans, the conclusions about those comparisons generally benefit the few over the many. So, let's shift the perspective just a bit, by observing some known wolf behaviors.

"Wolves prey primarily on animals that are young or elderly, sick or injured, and weak or unfit, thus keep prey populations healthy." - Western Wildlife Outreach 01

The human predators are often considered the bullies. The people who tear you down, tell you how/who to be, make you feel "less than" for being yourself, physically harm you, or worse. If we apply the predator behavior to this idea, we start to believe that the bullies are "keeping us healthy" by making sure we fit in and become who we "should" become. Vulnerability and authenticity are considered weaknesses from this perspective.

So, humans adapt in order to be a part of the pack and survive the inevitable attacks. We build thick, tall walls around our humanity and project images of who we "should" be on the outside of the walls. We push people away and hide our true identities. When that effectively keeps us safe, we very easily draw the conclusion that our true identities are "weak or unfit." So we crawl farther behind our walls and hide. We assume fake identities, put on "happy" faces, and carry tough exteriors. We spend time and money attaining and displaying the things that help us fit in, even when we don't like them ourselves. Over time we start to feel like we have become prisoners to those very walls that have kept us safe. We feel like we need to break out and just be ourselves, but we no longer know the way out. Even if we did know the way out, authenticity after trauma is terrifying because we feel as though we would once again be vulnerable to attacks. So being ourselves is terrifying; and we continue to struggle within the safety our prison.

Then someone like me comes along and says, "Just be you!" Ha! That's crazy talk! That is easy for me to say, right?! Nope. I struggle with this every day too. Why? because I am human. I want to be safe. I want to survive. I know, on a primal level, that it is safer to fit in than to be my authentic self. I have been trapped in the safety of my prison for decades; but, over the last few years I have started to disassemble my prison. This is what shifted the perspective: What if rather than feeling trapped in a prison (that I ultimately built to stay safe), I empowered myself to choose protection only when I needed it? What if I gave myself space to grow and evolve into who I really am, at my core, and allowed that self to be seen only when I felt safe? What if it was a choice?!

"Wolf pups are born blind and deaf in an underground den. During the first 3 weeks, pups need help regulating their body temperatures. The mother usually stays with her young in the den." - Western Wildlife Outreach 01

We get to evolve out when we're ready.

Just like the mother wolf who chooses to stay with her blind and deaf pups until they have evolved enough to come out of the den, humans have the ability to keep our vulnerable selves safe while we learn to accept our true selves. We get to choose how, when, and to whom we show those parts of ourselves. We don't need to stay in the den forever, we get to safely evolve and ultimately join the pack in which we feel safe and protected.

When we decide that we want to make a choice to fit in for survival, only until we have reached the point of self-acceptance that gives us the truly unshakable confidence that we are safe to be ourselves in the wild, we get to evolve. When we make it our mission to find the pack that actually requires us to be ourselves, we get to stay true to ourselves and stay safe. For some, that means playing full out and being their true selves in every single scenario and with every kind of person. For others, it is a mix. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to be yourself. The key is knowing that you have a choice. You are not a victim to the possible predator and your true self is far from a weakness. Your true self is ultimately what helps you survive and thrive in the wild.

You've got this!

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01 Western Wildlife Outreach. Westernwildlife.org. Gray Wolf Biology & Behavior. Retrieved August 7, 2023 from https://westernwildlife.org/gray-wolf-canis-lupus/biology-behavior-4/